And they bring the boxes too, I bet

What exactly do I have to "witness" to be part of the witness protection program, anyway? Can I just be annoyed by the goings-on around me? Can I claim emotional distress due to the burden of having to pack up my cube by April 30 and be done with it?

'Course I'm only asking for the relocation assistance. I don't want to disappear from my friends and family and certainly need to see status updates too often to change my name. I've got 84 friends now; I can't start all over again! (I know you all have more, and yes, you're very special. But do you KNOW them? Have you had them over for dinner? Have you sent them Pringles in the mail? Yeah. That's what I thought.)

Also, I have a great petsitter. Never underestimate the importance of a woman who cleans the litter boxes right and will pill a cat.

I'm assuming the government has expert packers and movers on hand, guys and gals who will wear dark glasses and that curly thing that runs to their ear that is either for easy phone reception or an homage to Orthodox Jews; really, it's win-win either way. I get discreet, swift packing and, if anything gets broken, a free ride on the space shuttle. I saw that in the Constitution the other day. Or maybe an Epcot brochure.

I'm looking forward to this packing help is my point. These are the kind of people who you know are crazy good at Tetris, so I should be able to win their eternal trust and fidelity and local restaurant knowledge with some Wii Fit balance games. I'll just move 2-3 hours northwest of here, and if they want me to spy on kindly old Mrs. Davenport in return, well, I can hide in the flowers with the best of them. Especially if she's partial to bright pink.