And then the monkey stole the glasses from off my head

What is it with salad anyway? Why haven’t we evolved yet to crave the things that are actually healthy for us? This makes no sense to me right now, sitting here staring at the remainder of the $10 salad I made at Collegetown Bagels and wishing it were made of Salt & Fresh Ground Pepper Kettle Chips instead and wishing I didn’t wish this and oh the snake it just keeps on eating its tail don’t it.

The reality of potato chips does our bodies zero good, except for all the tastiness. And don’t start telling me about how it helps me run away from tigers and chase woolly mammoths and flee from my tribal enemies across the veldt and escape the aliens building the pyramids, because I’m not buying it anymore. Get with it already, cells, and adjust to my modern-day eating habits! I eat for pleasure now, not survival. Well you know. Still survival, yes, I don’t want anyone in celestial power thinking I’m taking that for granted. But how do we evolve to cook saffron cream sauces and delectable curries but not to process them better for less heart-solidifying cholesterolification? Why don’t I crave raw spinach instead of gooey sweet-sauced pizza topped with blue cheese dressing? Why could I digest milk for the first 33 years of my life but no more? Why does my neighbor “Old Crackles” smell like beans?

This brings me to something I’ve actually wondered about for years. We have these brains inside our heads, right. (Or so I’m told! Ha ha!) Our brains control everything our bodies do. Therefore our brains already know everything needed about biology and anatomical chemistry and other terms I could also maybe make up while sitting here but really you get my drift. So why do we need to study these things to learn about them? We’ve got the libraries already in our craniums. Somewhere there surely must be a switch that turns the lights on in the stacks.

I bet the aliens can process the chips just fine there inside their skinny stupid space suits, and that’s why they built the pyramids the way they did, and it was actually to be storage for chips well into the space future, and where’s my hovercraft, you pyramid-building chip-eating veldt-chasing space jerks?

Yeah. I thought so.